Writer's block. I have a purpose for this blog entry, one which I have been rehearsing over and over in my head for days. Now, I am struggling to figure out how to begin. I have been wanting to touch on the issue of relationships; the beginning and everything after. I've been talking a few people through some pretty rough situations as of late, trying my best to be an empathetic ear and an absorbent shoulder (from at least six feet away, of course). And as unqualified as I am to be thought of as any kind of counselor, per se, I have been finding that sharing my own experiences and the lessons I have learned from them has come in quite useful with helping me to help them stay sane. In no way do I encourage anyone to "do as I have done." My experiences are mine, as are my lessons. But if any insight that I can offer is useful or inspiring, then even better.
I think I found my intro to this entry. 👍
Last night, I was having a deep and heartfelt conversation with a very dear friend about this very subject. At one point, they said something to me that resonated so deeply that I was almost rendered speechless. And if you know me, then you know how profound it would have had to have been because I always have something to say. 🙋
"When you aren't fed love with a silver spoon, you learn to lick it off knives."
I researched this; it appears to be a line from a poem, although I am unsure as to who actually wrote it as every place in which I am seeing it cites a different author. Either way, as I heard those words coming through the phone, they sent cold shivers through my soul. They describe almost every one of my relationships so concisely; it was a surreal moment that passed as quickly as it set in. Still, I haven't been able to get those words out of my head. And as I sit here typing this entry, I am reminded of the many times that I allowed myself to become so codependent in my relationships that I lost sight of who I was as a person... as an individual... and knelt on my dignity as I crawled on my knees, begging for any scraps of which I was deemed worthy. For a moment, I relived all those times when I sat and allowed others to use gaslighting and manipulation to keep me where they wanted me rather than rising up and fighting to stand where I deserved to be.
One thing I have learned about relationships is that you can be the total package and still end up on the wrong doorstep. And the person who gets you won't know what to do with you because you weren't meant for them in the first place. Where things tend to go wrong is when you understand that this is happening and you don't address it. You don't speak up for yourself and, instead, you allow it to continue. And before you know it, you're stuck in a vortex of toxicity and perpetual angst because you're either arguing and fighting all the time or you're not talking at all. And lying in bed at night is torture because all you want is to hold them or to be held, yet you feel like you're a million miles apart. Sure, you have your good days, but they just leave you confused because you start feeling like there's a sliver of hope to which you could (and should) cling. But nothing has really changed because everything you weren't going through during that good day resurfaces again a day or two later. By this time, you've invested so much of yourself that you don't want to admit defeat and walk away. The thought of letting go of a relationship is a hard pill to swallow, even if you know that it's toxic and it's tearing you up inside.
But the fact is, letting go isn't admitting defeat. Walking away from something that is causing such turbulence inside your soul might mean that you have conceded the battle. But by leaving, you have won the war. You may have a few battle scars, and they will most assuredly stay with you for a while. But instead of thinking of them as battle scars, why not think of them as lessons learned? You survived a bad situation; take those lessons learned and use them as bricks to build up your strength for things yet to come.
A relationship, regardless if it is romantic, friendly, or professional in nature, is a two-way street. If you're not getting out of it what you are putting into it, then there's a problem... and it needs to be addressed. In regard to romantic relationships, you have to be willing to give as much as you take or they are not going to work. You have to share mutual respect and have a willingness to not only learn and understand each other's needs, but also figure out how to meet those needs without losing sight of your own. This is where trust and communication are paramount.
The whole idea of a loving and nurturing relationship is to help each other become the best versions of yourselves through uplifting support and teamwork. The better you are as a person, the better equipped you will be at helping your partner - or anyone else - rise to the same level. But if you aren't willing to make "that" commitment to your partner, then what you're really committing to is just skating through a typical, average relationship until you find yourself simply "going through the motions" while you're careening toward boredom and complacency... ultimately sacrificing the potential of what could be a love for the ages. If this sounds familiar, then ask yourself, what is the point?
Relationships are hard until they're not. They require work, dedication, honesty, respect, and communication. If you're not ready to commit to all of these elements with someone, then simply don't do it. You'll save yourself and the other person a lot of time and stress if you're simply honest with yourself and do the right thing. If you're already in a relationship that isn't meeting your needs, then it's time to reassess why you're there. If you truly want to be there, then give your partner one conversation and one chance to help you fix whatever is wrong. If they are truly as invested into you as you are into them, they will do it. If they don't meet you at least halfway the first time, then you need to leave. It really is that simple. It doesn't matter how much you love someone or how much you want to love someone. If you aren't strong enough to love and respect yourself, then you're always going to be okay with someone else disrespecting you.
By allowing someone to disrespect you, you are showing them what you will accept.
No one is perfect, and no one has relationships 100% figured out because every relationship is different. But the one relationship that should never fail is the relationship that you have with yourself. And that relationship takes a steadfast commitment with nurturing thoughts and actions, as well. Once you are strong in your relationship with yourself, you will stand stronger and firmer in your convictions. I think it's safe to say that everyone wants to find love... to love someone with a whole heart and to be loved just the same. But it's important to recognize when you're just holding onto something or someone for the wrong reasons. Every second you spend in a situation like that is another second that you are stealing from your self-worth. It is another second that you are giving away to someone who isn't meant for you. The hardest part of letting go is knowing that you just spent any measurable amount of time trying to make something work when it wasn't meant to be. It's exhausting, and it can hit you pretty hard. But letting go of that dead weight frees up your arms for some much needed self-love. It means that you're taking back control of your life so you can spend time working on you instead of wasting time trying to force something that isn't meant to happen.
Letting go doesn't mean you've failed, it doesn't mean that you aren't worthy, and it doesn't mean that you will never love again. It simply means that you aren't willing to settle for less than you deserve. And it means that you recognize that you are strong enough to stand on your own until you find where you are meant to be.
Trust me... you'll be fine. 💓
xo,
Trish
I think I found my intro to this entry. 👍
Last night, I was having a deep and heartfelt conversation with a very dear friend about this very subject. At one point, they said something to me that resonated so deeply that I was almost rendered speechless. And if you know me, then you know how profound it would have had to have been because I always have something to say. 🙋
"When you aren't fed love with a silver spoon, you learn to lick it off knives."
I researched this; it appears to be a line from a poem, although I am unsure as to who actually wrote it as every place in which I am seeing it cites a different author. Either way, as I heard those words coming through the phone, they sent cold shivers through my soul. They describe almost every one of my relationships so concisely; it was a surreal moment that passed as quickly as it set in. Still, I haven't been able to get those words out of my head. And as I sit here typing this entry, I am reminded of the many times that I allowed myself to become so codependent in my relationships that I lost sight of who I was as a person... as an individual... and knelt on my dignity as I crawled on my knees, begging for any scraps of which I was deemed worthy. For a moment, I relived all those times when I sat and allowed others to use gaslighting and manipulation to keep me where they wanted me rather than rising up and fighting to stand where I deserved to be.
One thing I have learned about relationships is that you can be the total package and still end up on the wrong doorstep. And the person who gets you won't know what to do with you because you weren't meant for them in the first place. Where things tend to go wrong is when you understand that this is happening and you don't address it. You don't speak up for yourself and, instead, you allow it to continue. And before you know it, you're stuck in a vortex of toxicity and perpetual angst because you're either arguing and fighting all the time or you're not talking at all. And lying in bed at night is torture because all you want is to hold them or to be held, yet you feel like you're a million miles apart. Sure, you have your good days, but they just leave you confused because you start feeling like there's a sliver of hope to which you could (and should) cling. But nothing has really changed because everything you weren't going through during that good day resurfaces again a day or two later. By this time, you've invested so much of yourself that you don't want to admit defeat and walk away. The thought of letting go of a relationship is a hard pill to swallow, even if you know that it's toxic and it's tearing you up inside.
But the fact is, letting go isn't admitting defeat. Walking away from something that is causing such turbulence inside your soul might mean that you have conceded the battle. But by leaving, you have won the war. You may have a few battle scars, and they will most assuredly stay with you for a while. But instead of thinking of them as battle scars, why not think of them as lessons learned? You survived a bad situation; take those lessons learned and use them as bricks to build up your strength for things yet to come.
A relationship, regardless if it is romantic, friendly, or professional in nature, is a two-way street. If you're not getting out of it what you are putting into it, then there's a problem... and it needs to be addressed. In regard to romantic relationships, you have to be willing to give as much as you take or they are not going to work. You have to share mutual respect and have a willingness to not only learn and understand each other's needs, but also figure out how to meet those needs without losing sight of your own. This is where trust and communication are paramount.
The whole idea of a loving and nurturing relationship is to help each other become the best versions of yourselves through uplifting support and teamwork. The better you are as a person, the better equipped you will be at helping your partner - or anyone else - rise to the same level. But if you aren't willing to make "that" commitment to your partner, then what you're really committing to is just skating through a typical, average relationship until you find yourself simply "going through the motions" while you're careening toward boredom and complacency... ultimately sacrificing the potential of what could be a love for the ages. If this sounds familiar, then ask yourself, what is the point?
Relationships are hard until they're not. They require work, dedication, honesty, respect, and communication. If you're not ready to commit to all of these elements with someone, then simply don't do it. You'll save yourself and the other person a lot of time and stress if you're simply honest with yourself and do the right thing. If you're already in a relationship that isn't meeting your needs, then it's time to reassess why you're there. If you truly want to be there, then give your partner one conversation and one chance to help you fix whatever is wrong. If they are truly as invested into you as you are into them, they will do it. If they don't meet you at least halfway the first time, then you need to leave. It really is that simple. It doesn't matter how much you love someone or how much you want to love someone. If you aren't strong enough to love and respect yourself, then you're always going to be okay with someone else disrespecting you.
By allowing someone to disrespect you, you are showing them what you will accept.
No one is perfect, and no one has relationships 100% figured out because every relationship is different. But the one relationship that should never fail is the relationship that you have with yourself. And that relationship takes a steadfast commitment with nurturing thoughts and actions, as well. Once you are strong in your relationship with yourself, you will stand stronger and firmer in your convictions. I think it's safe to say that everyone wants to find love... to love someone with a whole heart and to be loved just the same. But it's important to recognize when you're just holding onto something or someone for the wrong reasons. Every second you spend in a situation like that is another second that you are stealing from your self-worth. It is another second that you are giving away to someone who isn't meant for you. The hardest part of letting go is knowing that you just spent any measurable amount of time trying to make something work when it wasn't meant to be. It's exhausting, and it can hit you pretty hard. But letting go of that dead weight frees up your arms for some much needed self-love. It means that you're taking back control of your life so you can spend time working on you instead of wasting time trying to force something that isn't meant to happen.
Letting go doesn't mean you've failed, it doesn't mean that you aren't worthy, and it doesn't mean that you will never love again. It simply means that you aren't willing to settle for less than you deserve. And it means that you recognize that you are strong enough to stand on your own until you find where you are meant to be.
Trust me... you'll be fine. 💓
xo,
Trish
Comments
Post a Comment